Pressure!!!

So, I kinda cried in the bathroom tonight.

I'll start...
I earn less than RM2,000 a month.
Sometimes, lesser than RM1,500.
Yes, that's my salary even though I have a Bachelor's degree.
I used to work in the bank previously, but it only lasted for 6 months and a half.

I don't remember how, but my mom asked me to buy a house for us.
Well, yeah... I've always wanted to buy a house of my own.
I wanted my own asset.
But I just graduated last year.
How can I buy a house?
I can't even afford to buy a car.
If you're wondering why, my family doesn't have a house nor a car.
We live in a rented shop house.
We used to ride the bus to go places, or walk, or ride the taxi.
Ever since GrabCar started their service, we use that.
So yeah, no car and no house.
My mom kinda pressured me to buy a house.
I told her I can't.
Not with my salary, not with my commitment.
I have student loan to pay every month.
My GrabCar ride to work.
My insurance policy.
Lunch.
Phone top up.
I give my mom money too.

Haven't I done enough?
I mean, I started becoming a part-time insurance agent to earn a side income although I'm not good at it.
I even sell my stuffs online.
And started investing.
It's not going well, but it will soon, I believe.

I have too much on my plate.

My mom wanted to buy a house using my dad's EPF money.
Umm, how??
My dad is working oversea for like 8 years now.
Then she said after my dad comes back, he'll withdraw the money.
I asked her, who is gonna buy a house?
She replied, "You! And Ryan" (Ryan is my brother)
I was like, "I can't. My salary is not enough. The bank wants the ratio to be 60:40."
Then, she, "Then, fine. Let's just live here. Don't need to buy a house."
She started sulking.
When I tell her about a house I was aiming at Senadin that costs about RM340,000, and I just need to pay RM3,000 to book the house, she started talking to my sister.
She didn't want to listen.
But I kept talking and telling her that the lady selling house told me not to live there after I buy the house.
She asked me to rent it to students so I can pay the monthly installment without me taking out my own money.
I stopped talking when my mom ignored me.
**The conversation was more or less like that**

I need a new phone and spectacles actually.
But the balance of my salary is not even enough to buy both.
I've went to the phone repair shop TWICE to fix my phone.
I don't think I should go for the third time.
I might as well buy a new one.
As for my spectacles, I've been wearing this one for like 3 years.
My vision is different now ever since I started working my current job.
I face the laptop screen for an average of 10 hours a day.

My family can't rely on my salary and my brother's.
My brother earn exactly RM1,000 if not mistaken.
His employer ain't fair to him either.
My brother calls sometimes and saying he's sad.
Sometimes, he sounds depress and wants to cry.
He said he's not happy there.
He loves his job, but his employer treats him unwell.
He'll be leaving his job next year, around February, after about 4 years of working there.

So yeah, that's the reason why I cried in the bathroom.
I was pressured.
I already have pressure at work, now at home?
I know, my sisters dislike me when I didn't buy them stuffs, but I didn't buy anything for myself too.
You should see what I eat for lunch.
My food usually cost less than RM5 because I only take side dishes.
Sometimes, I do want to go out with friends, but with my tight budget, I can't.
Another reason is that I don't have a car.
I even plan to go travelling next year.
Travel, I love to travel.
But I never got the chance because I have a tight budget.
Now, I'm saving money for travelling and for a car's downpayment.
Hopefully, I can achieve these two by the middle of next year.

Thanks for reading.

Why me?

Hey peeps!
It's almost the end of 2018.
I decided to write a post today after a long time.
I just had to write this out 'cause I'm feeling a lot stress lately.
I'll begin with how my day went.
Let's start!

This morning, I woke up around the time I usually does.
Specifically, I woke up at 8.22am.
I think I forgot to set my alarm the night before.
Because it didn't rang this morning.
So yeah, I got up and get ready.
After that, I go to work.

We started by doing a little trading.
Yeah, that's my job, trading.
My job involves doing cryptocurrency.
After that, lunch time.
I ate alone as usual.
Went back to the office.

Okay, this is where it starts.
We did a little trading again.
And then, somehow, I was asked to write a formal letter.
I was asked about the storyboard for video animation.
This is what I'm going to talk about.

Let me tell you.
Before I started working here, I was told that the job scope was doing trading and customer service.
Somehow, I'm doing more than that.
I write news, look for a video animator, write the storyboard for the video, write a formal letter, design posters, etc
What's worse is when I'm rushed, and when people ask me stuffs about another thing that we're supposed to do while I'm struggling to finish the one I'm currently working on.

I used to love the working environment because everyone is friendly, helpful, and fun.
But as days go by, I'm starting to dislike it.
It's like everyone is taking advantage of me.
I always ask myself, "Why me?"
I cannot handle stress.
That's just me.
When I'm under pressure, I'll always stay quiet because I'm mad under pressure, but actually wanting to cry.
That's not it.
I don't just work during office hours, I work after I reach home too.
Nope, it's not another job.
It's the same job, except I work from home.
My working hours is from 9am to 6pm, but most of the time we had to stay a little longer at the office.
After reaching home, most of the time, we're required to some trading.
Usually we start trading around 9pm, and it usually ends around midnight.
We work during our day off too, and also during public holidays.
I can barely rest.
Sometimes, I have to be on call like a doctor.
There are a few times where I was out with my family on my day off, and they were looking for me, so I had to rush home just to work.

To those people who have a rough time at work, hang in there.
I'm staying strong even though I burst into tears sometimes.
Stay strong all.
I just need to get this off my chest.

As I'm ending this post, I'm actually doing my work.
It's 10.22pm.

Christmas Video!

Hello! It's been a while.

Been busy since it's my second last semester.

Okay, here's the thing, it was our Christmas event the other day and we made a short video for the event.

I posted it on YouTube.

If you don't mind, I would like you to go on YouTube to check the video out, 'like' or even comment.

Or you can just watch the video down below.

It would be very much appreciated 💕

THE GIFT OF CHRISTMAS

Feel free to subscribe to my channel 😏

Life as we know it

I'm not going to talk about what happened today.
In fact, I'm going to talk about something.

Okay, so..
This year, I have seen a lot.
I have seen:
People who lost their loved ones.
People who take advantage of other people.
People who get scolded for no reason.
People who are making other people hate them.
People who are being nice to you for a reason.
People who turned back to God (or against).
People who changed.
People who realized they're not meant to be.
People who are "parasites".
People who talk bad about their friend(s) on social media.
People who wants to earn fast money without knowing the consequences.
People who says and thinks Sarawakians are not smart.
People who compliment themselves.
People who are thankful for people who were nice to them in the past.
People who are naive.
People who are nice to others no matter what.
People who are afraid to order their own food.
People who are clumsy.
People who judge other people's clothes.
People who make fun of handicapped people.
People who destroy the homeless' source of income.
People who forgive.
People who lie to keep you happy or protect your feelings.
People who willingly go through a lot for the sake of someone they love.
People who know they have a lot of debts, but just let it be.
There are so many more!

I, sometimes don't understand why.
Why it happened?
Why do people do it?

Change for the better, not for the worse.
You know yourself.

Don't sit back and complain about what a bad shape the world is in.

Pardon me if I'm out of topic.

Sad. Tiring.

As you can see, the title says it all.

Well, there was no class today, but I was supposed to accompany Puvin to go jogging.

I set my alarm the night before -- 7:50 AM

When my alarm rang this morning, I woke up and turned it off.

I was thinking, Puvin will call me about this, so I went back to sleep.

Before 9 AM, I woke up and checked my phone.

There was a WhatsApp notification from Puvin saying that he wanted to sleep.

So, I told him to just sleep. Lol

I was too sleepy and lazy myself.

I went back to sleep again.

A few minutes before 11 AM, I received a phone call from aunt Jenny saying that she's coming to Melaka from KL.

She wanted to bring me out for lunch.

I said, "Okay."

Lunch. FREE LUNCH!

I mean, who doesn't want free food?

I got out from bed around 11:15 AM and shower.

...and I got ready.

But then, Puvin called me to go out for lunch with him.

I told him I was going out with my aunt around 12:30 PM and he sounded sad.

I would've brought him along if he didn't have class in the afternoon.

So yeah, he came in front of my dorm to get my pendrive from me because he needed to edit and print out a permission letter to leave classes.

I gave him a bun as well, because I didn't want him to go hungry.

My aunt arrived earlier than the time she stated.

Puvin sent me til the stairs to the boys' dorm.

I went up and meet up with my aunt.

I thought she was alone, but she wasn't.

It was a bummer.

My uncle was with her.

NOOOOOO!!!!

Uh huh, we went out for lunch at Suukee Chicken Rice.

We talked and talked.

Ughh!

I knew my uncle was going to talk to me about insurance.

I KNEW IT!

When I told him about Elken, he said insurance is the best.

At first, he demotivated me.

As time goes, it made me feel like,

I AM GOING TO PROVE HIM WRONG!

Adakah patut he ask me, "Bill Gates is a billionaire, why does he still have to work?"

What kind of question is that?

...and so, they sent me back to college.

I saw Fiona and Julie were on their way out.

When I got out of the car, their faces were like, eyes bulging out and mouths were wide open.

They said the car is really cool.

I remembered it was a Toyota Camry Hybrid.

Since they were going out, they asked me to tagged along, going to Mydin with Zul and Rina as well.

We went there to withdraw cash and pay our Wi-Fi bills.

I bumped into Catherine and Xue Nee while I was at the ATM.

They wanted a ride home, so I said okay.

Our ride back to college was pretty packed.

On our way back to our room, Puvin was at the washing machine, picking up his stuffs.

He asked me how was lunch?

I was so mad and told him everything about my uncle.

He said he knew it.

He knew that if I came back happy, it's because I'm with my aunt.

If I came back angry, it's because of my uncle.

HAHAHAHAHA!

True, true, true!

We talked for a while and Puvin decided to skip class, since it's Mr. Hong's class.

I asked him if he was sure.

He said yes because he hasn't packed his stuff yet.

Where is he going, you ask?

Well, he's going back to Kuching for his cousin's wedding.

We talked and he sent me off -- back to my room.

We were going to 'lepak' again before sending him off to Melaka Sentral.

We 'lepak' around 6 PM.

We talked and talked, and suddenly I felt sad.

I don't know.

Was it because he's leaving tonight, or something was bothering me?

I just don't know.

...and after a while, we had dinner, talking again and he sent me back to my room at 7:30 PM.

At 8 something, Fiona, Julie and I were waiting at the lobby to send Puvin to Melaka Sentral.

I called Puvin and he said he was putting his socks on.

Okayyy?

...and finally, he came.

Julie said he looked like he was going for a camping trip. Hahaha

As we were walking down the stairs to the parking lot, Zexen appeared unexpectedly.

I didn't know he came.

So, he came together with us.

I asked for Puvin's phone and searched Locked Away by R. City on Youtube.

I asked him to listen to that song, later.

Also, Zexen was telling us that Pastor John really like me and Puvin being together.

That is kinda... Weird?

When we arrived Melaka Sentral, Zexen wanted to go eat.

So, we went to McDonald's.

After eating, he said he was still hungry.

I gave him a how-come-you-are-still-hungry dash face.

I didn't want to tell this, but I kept looking at Puvin.

I miss him even though he was next to me.

...I was too ego to admit.

It was almost time, so we had to send him off at the platform.

He put his things in the bus trunk and came back to me.

He hugged me and kissed my forehead.

I don't know what I was feeling.

Was it sadness, or emptiness? Maybe both?

Okay, here comes the funny part.

He was going into the bus.

Turned out, it was the wrong bus.

HAHAHAHA!

He got out and took his things, and went to the bus next to it.

He put his things in and Fiona said, "Fail! Hahaha. Ask him to hug you again."

He went inside immediately though because it was almost time.

When the bus started moving, he waved goodbye to me and gave me lots of flying kiss.

I did the same.

Automatic reaction.

Then, off he go.

On our way to the car, Zexen and I conversed about something and ended up asking each other a weird question.

Zexen kept on bullying me in the car.

I said, "Puvin pergi, alu kena buli."

Fiona: "Ohhh, takut dengan Puvin oh."

Zexen: *paused* Respect.

I asked if we were going back or going to eat.

...and then I said, "Aku tauk, Zexen and... KAU lapar." to Fiona.

So yeah, we ended up eating at a mamak stall near D' Puteh.

I ordered roti naan (flatbread) and a glass of Teh O Ais.

I told Puvin I was eating roti naan and he said that's his favorite.

Suddenly, I was craving for that and I didn't know why.

Bla, bla, bla!

*poof*

We're back in college.

Back in the room and showered.

It felt weird.

I didn't leave room, like I used to.

No Puvin! T.T

5 days without him.

I'm just in my room, waiting for Mars to show itself in the sky.

Well, there wasn't.

Bummer.

Oh yeah, I asked Puvin if he had listened to that song.

He was listening to it.

I told him to read the lyrics as well.

He was shocked that the lyrics matches our everyday question.

It's almost the same.

All in all, it was a tiring and a sad day.

R. City ft. Adam Levine - Locked Away

"I don't know." - 8th semester

Hi!

I know, it's been like more than a month.

So, yeah.

It's my 8th semester.

This is my 2nd week of this semester, already.

I don't know.

It feels like college, sometimes it doesn't.

I just don't know.

Truthfully, my classes aren't packed this semester.

Really.

When I don't have classes, I don't know what to do.

I can't just stay in my room, take long naps and going online all the time.

I can't just go dating all the time.

Well, those are my only options because I don't want to study, but I still want to pass.

But, when I do have classes, I want to go back to my room, as soon as possible.

Lectures are boring but sometimes it's fun.

I don't know.

I can only pay attention when the lecturer is saying something interesting, you know, something that attracts your attention.

That is all because, sometimes I feel like I have a future studying under this college, sometimes I don't.

Sometimes, I ask myself:

...What job will I get when I graduate?

   ...How much salary will I receive?

      ...Will I be unemployed?

         ...How can I help my parents?

I don't know what to do.
It's my third year in degree.
...and I have like 4 semesters to go.
I can't just stop studying.
I've gone this far.
I've survived 8 semesters.
I'd be really stupid if I decide to quit this college.

I can't say what my future is going to be like.
I leave everything in God's hands.
He knows best.

End of semester 7!

Well, well, well.
I made it through this semester.
It's the end of semester 7.
5 semesters to go.
Woohoo!!
Guess what?
This was one tough semester.
I would like to thank those of you who has helped me.
Without you, I would have given up on education, and life.
Because, I'm hoping to get a good result this semester.
*fingers crossed*

Oh and,
I'LL BE GOING HOME SOON!
Yeah, finally.
I've been here for 7 months.
Can you imagine, not seeing your family for 7 months?

Worst part is...
I'm gonna miss my boyfriend.
His sweater, his hug, his scent... EVERYTHING!
We wanted to spend time together, after my last paper.
Unfortunately, it seems a little impossible.
We were both busy packing and cleaning.
Eventually, my brain thinks that he doesn't love me anymore.
I know, typical, right?
Girls are like that.

I'll write up until here, 'cause I feel a heartache.
...and I feel like crying.

Avril Lavigne - Wish You Were Here

This song totally explains my whole situation right now.